Living in the Juxtaposition: Trusting God in the Messy Middle

Some seasons don’t make sense until you’re standing on the other side of them.

Picture this: A path parted perfectly between two walls of water. Behind you, burned bridges and broken beginnings. Beside you, churning chaos that could collapse at any moment. Ahead, open, uncharted, and aching with possibility. You’re standing right in the middle, feet planted, pulse racing, praying the waves hold just long enough for you to reach the other side.

That has been my life for the last six months and these days its coming to a head.

A Woman Caught Between Two Worlds

I didn’t plan to write this today. I sat down because I didn’t know what else to do with everything I was feeling. Maybe that’s exactly where you are right now too, somewhere between the suffering and the sunrise, unsure whether to stand still or sprint forward.

This season has been a divine juxtaposition. Things are flowing forward and falling through, sometimes in what seems like the same breath.

My spirit feels calm. My emotions!? Completely chaotic. Imagine that peace and panic, sitting side by side. There is something sacred and unsettling about that sentiment.

The Pull to Keep Pushing

Here’s what I know about myself, and maybe you know this about your self as well:

Even when I’ve done everything I can do, I go looking for more to do.

My children are cared for, my business is handled, my prayers are prayed and still, there is this frantic feeling that sitting still is dangerous. Somewhere along the way I’ve learned that rest means risk. That if I am not moving, I am falling apart. So, I keep running from a space of fear. Chasing control disguised as productivity. (Even now I sense that feeling).

A Still, Small Voice

Then it comes. That still small voice. The one that doesn’t dominate or demand, it wont drown you in details, or attempt to dazzle you with direction before you’re ready. It simply says ‘wait here for just a little while longer’.

I’m learning there is now weakness in waiting on the Lord, though I often wrestle with this truth.

We are wired for movement, we move along measuring our worth by momentum. We confuse busyness with blessings, and yet God, in all His grace and mercy, keeps whispering:

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Today I heard that whisper and for once I am listening in the stillness of my heart.

Painful and Powerful

Today was a rollercoaster of emotions, raw and real.

Early in the day came a painful rejection and my spirit knew why. I had stepped out of alignment, mad a choice root in self-preservation rather than surrender, and the door closed in my face. Quickly!

But here’s where the story shifts:

Instead of spiraling out of control, while crying and mourning the sting that lingered, I chose to surrender. I turned to my fiance and I began to lament the truth of my misalignment and the decision I made to step outside of God’s protection. It was embarrassing. I was exposing. It was exactly what my soul needed. I would like to call it a spiritual whooping.

And then? A much needed acceptance came, one that swooped in and covered the misalignment, protected the wounds of disappointment like a healing salve. A breakthrough that breathed live back into parts of me that had been strained for much of the day. One act of obedience, one honest conversation, and the tide shifted immediately.

No Condemnation Here

This is something I needed to say out loud, for myself and for you.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” -Romans 8:1

One small step of obedience in the presence of the Holy Spirit can heal a whole season of discouragement. One honest “yes, and amen.” to God can silence moments of shame.

I want to be clear here: I do not believe that human willpower alone is strong enough to sustain obedience. We need the Holy Spirit to help us do what we know we’re supposed to do. Even our obedience is a gift and a worship.

Forward, Finally

Because of this revelation I am saying yes again.

I will be enrolling in a Master of Divinity Program, and stepping fully into the calling God has been crafting through every confusing, complicated, character-building chapter of this season. I want to counsel others, to sit with them in their own parted sea and remind them that the waves won’t win.

Tonight, before I close this laptop, I am pressing paly on some of my favorite worship music, lifting my hands, and spending time simply thanking Him for His faithfulness in the middle, the messy, muddy, magnificent middle.

A Word for My Friend

If you’re standing in your own juxtaposition right now, if blessings and breakdowns seem to be arriving on the same bus, hear me:

The voice telling you to wait is not keeping you from your destiny. It’s preparing you for it.

Listen. Do what you can. Trust what you’ve done. Rest in what He’s promised.

And when that still, small voice speaks? Say yes.

With love and gratitude, Nia

Thanks for reading, wishing you and yours every beautiful blessing.